But I'm Dating a Cheerleader
by xxPurpleCowxx
Summary: When Dean comes home to an intervention, his life is changed forever. He's sent to a straight camp... but he's dating a cheerleader. Destiel, CRACK FIC/ Parody


"What the… what the hell is going on?" Dean raised an eyebrow at the arsenal of people waiting for him. "Is this an intervention?!" His dad stood up and took Dean's knife from his now limp, thoroughly shocked hand.

"Well… yes," piped up someone Dean had never seen before. Dean wondered if the guy had considered just going fully bald. "I'm Zachariah, and I'm from True Directions. We are concerned… well, why don't you start us off?" he gestured to Dean's father, who stood up again and sighed.

"Dean, we're concerned you might be… gay."

Dean made a "wtf" face.

"This is an intervention for _that_?! First of all, I'm dating a cheerleader. Second of all… what the fuck guys, I'm 30 years old!"

"Dean… we have seen everything. You have weird posters of male hunters in your room," John Winchester gave Dean a pointed look.

"I live alone… are you spying on me?! Also yes, because I'm a hunter. They inspire me, I guess?"

Bobby stood up now.

"They're all wearing thongs," he pointed out. Dean shrugged and threw up his hands.

"Is that gay?! Exactly. No. They need less restriction to hunt properly. Now where are Lisa and Ben?!" Lisa stood up and waved a little. Her weak smile dropped almost immediately.

"You don't even like kissing me, Dean!" Everyone in the room gave a collective nod. Dean furrowed his brow and opened his mouth in protest. He liked kissing her as soon as he imagined Lisa had hard pecs instead of- he closed his mouth.

"You grip knives like you're giving a handjob," some random guy stated.

"What the- I've literally never even see you before!" Dean replied.

"In my fanfictions you're always gay," Becky grinned. Her eyes exuding full-on crazy. She clapped her hands excitedly, whispering something about her dreams finally coming true. "In fact, I'm writing one right. This. Second." She stared straight ahead, as if reaching out to someone who wasn't actually there. Dean ignored her.

"When you stab supernatural shit, it's like you relish the feeling of something that belongs to you being inside someone," Bobby added, "and I hate to break it to you, but it's usually a male."

"Well, that was a stretch," Dean pointed out.

"The point is, you're going to a straight camp," Zachariah explained, "I myself am an ex-gay. I used to let angels and demons inside me all the time, Dean. It was very unhealthy. Now I get all the pooncake I want." He coughed a little. "Anyway, we have a special camp for middle-aged men in denial. I think it'll really help you."

Dean paused and turned around slowly to stare incredulously at John.

"Wait… wait a second. Dad… YOU'RE ALIVE?!"

"Nice attempt to change the subject, Dean," John said sarcastically, "you're still going."

"If you take me there, so god help me, I will stab every last one of-"

* * *

He hated it already.

Besides the fact that he wasn't gay, the house had a color scheme of electric, slightly horrifying blue. Everywhere he turned there was a sea of blue and the stench of sadness. Plus everyone here was a freak show so far. Or at least the counselors were.

"So you'll be staying in this cabin," Zach explained, "the first step is to admit to your homosexuality. Everyone else already has, you're a little late to the program."

Dean just responded with a raspy, supposed to be intimidating sound from his throat. They'd already taken away his dignity, and even worse, the Impala, so it couldn't get any worse.

**Step 1: Admit your homosexuality. **

"I'm Sam Winchester, I was supposed to be a lawyer before Dad took me hunting again, and I'm a homosexual," a giant of a person said in a monotone. His intimidating stature was diminished by the copious amounts of guyliner and his shoulder length hair that was clearly dyed black. Dean gaped at him.

"Sammy…? Jesus, I haven't seen you since you went to college…" Sam glanced at him, and kept his flat expression.

"Yeah, well Dad got me back into the hunting business. And Jess complained I wasn't spending enough time with her, which was because of hunting. Then she died the same way as Mom, and Dad told me I did it because I was secretly gay and wanted her out of the way. So here I am." Dean barely heard him, just staring at the eyeliner.

"So… the makeup…"

"Don't want to talk about it, these are dark times," was all Sam said. Zach uneasily clapped to break the silence of everyone else.

"OK, who's next?" Zachariah said quickly. A guy with a trench coat on stood up. His dark hair stuck up in all directions. His eyes were the color of the ocean mixed with the sky underwater if someone had dumped a bunch of blue Crayola crayons into it and mixed all of that with other… blue stuff.

Blue. His eyes were blue.

"I'm Castiel, no last name," he said, "I have orders, so I have to say I'm gay. So I am." Zachariah was confused but clapped anyway. No one else joined in. Castiel quickly sat down, smoothing out his coat.

A guy with night vision goggles on stood up next.

"I'm Corbett, and I enjoy Ed's beard. I'm a homosexual!" Corbett grinned almost unnaturally wide the whole time. Dean shot him a weird look.

"I'm Ruby, and I'm a homosexual," a blonde girl rolled her eyes, then sat back down. "Don't be surprised if I'm gone tomorrow."

Another girl with a pixie cut got up slowly.

"I'm Abby, and I'm tired of being the token lesbian best friend. It starts out good, then when my guy friends find out I'm a lesbian they start only inviting me to fix things around their house and be their personal mechanic!" she got increasingly upset, then calmed herself, "so yeah, I'm a homosexual."

"I'm Lydia and my girlfriend accused me of being a lesbian one morning and sent me here," the next girl said.

Various other people shared their "stories", including a Jewish guy who claimed he had become an adult on his bar mitzvah in more ways than one and a girl who wore flannel everything.

Then they all looked to Dean, who shook his head.

"See, I'm not gay," Dean said, giving a rictus smile, "I'm dating a cheerleader and I kill monsters for a living, for god's sake!" Zach shook his head, sighing. Most of the others rolled their eyes at Dean.

"Yeah, but do you think about other guys?"

"Uh, yes, because they exist," Dean was starting to get pissed off. Why the hell did he even have to be here anyway?!

"But what do you think about when you kiss your cheerleader?" Ruby asked, smirking.

"What else, abs and dicks," Dean answered immediately, "doesn't everyone? Isn't that the cornerstone of a loving, healthy relationship?"

"That's pretty common, I guess…" Ruby conceded, hanging her head, then snapping it back up dramatically, "for GAY PEOPLE!"

Dean jumped back a few feet in surprise, his chair going with him.

"Fine, I'm a homosexual, happy?" Dean sneered. Zachariah gave him a thumbs up and checked Dean's name off.

Dean could tell- this program was going to be way too long.

* * *

Having to sleep in the same room with six other people was just plain annoying. Dean was used to motel rooms, sure, but usually he shared them with prostitutes. And they were only tolerable because he could kick them out as soon as he'd paid.

"What the hell is that sound, I'm trying to sleep," Dean complained. Jacob sat up and glared at Dean. In his hand, he held a butter knife. So that was the slicing sound… although it had sounded way worse than a butter knife.

"It's conversion therapy, you do it when you think of men in a gay way," Jacob shrugged. "So far this butter knife is only succeeding in making me crave butter, but it'll work soon." He went back to carving into his arm. Dean shrugged and laid back down, pulling the pillow over his ears. Then, he realized something and shot back up.

"You eat butter by itself?!" Dean said, "dude. That's…"

"Don't judge me, you're gay!" Jacob cried defensively, and curled up into a matzah ball.

"So is your… your face!" Dean shot back. Jacob gasped at the jab and advanced on Dean with the butter knife.

"I'll show you a mutilated face!" Jacob shouted, raising the butter knife, "you better-"

"That's a freaking butter knife, it's not going to do anything. Trust me, I know knives-"

"GO TO SLEEP!" Castiel suddenly yelled, jumping up. He still had his trench coat on over his pajamas. He touched both of their foreheads and they slumped to the floor.

* * *

"My girlfriend says she knew the moment she met me at the gay bar," Lydia said sadly.

"So that's your root, going to gay clubs? Those places are a cesspool; so many gay people, for some strange reason. Anyway, what about you, Richard?"

Dean was so not in the mood for any of this. His back hurt, and when he woke up he'd been in a weird position next to Jacob. It hadn't been a great start to the day.

"Call me Dick," a burly guy insisted. "I'm Dick, and I'm gay!" His voice cracked on the third word.

"No kidding," Dean muttered.

Zach nodded at Dick, seeming exasperated.

"Yes, but what's your root for that? What caused it?"

"I'm Dick, and I'm gay!"

"Yes, but…"

Dick walked over to Zach, leaned down and whispered in his ear, his voice suddenly deep and raspy, almost demonic, "I'm Dick, and I'M GAY!" Zach scooted his chair away as fast as he could.

"OK, OK, I get it!" Zach threw up his hands.

"I'm Dick, and I'm FUCKING GAY!" Dick's eyes rolled back in his head and the whites suddenly turned pitch black. Zach screamed and ran down the hall, all the True Directions following just as fast, making their escape. Except for Ruby, who just sauntered out. Dean jumped up, brandishing his blade.

"SAMMY!"

When there was no response, Dean groaned and ran over to Dick.

"Over here, dickhead!" Dean called. Dick looked over and grinned unnaturally wide. His completely black eyes held the glint of a madman… or a demon.

Dick appeared suddenly by Dean's side and somehow produced a giant, purple sparkly dildo with a huge blade coming out of the end. His form flickered as if he was a hologram.

"What the… how is that even… what…" Dean had to take a moment to puzzle over the choice of weapon. And why purple and sparkly, of all things? It could've been more menacing, but… while he was distracted, Dick charged.

Dean blocked the blade and came at Dick with his own, a determined look on his face. He loved getting lost in the battle, in a sort of fighting autopilot.

He managed to stab Dick in the arm and cracked a punch on his nose. Dick stumbled but got right back up, cackling and cracking his nose back into place. Dean raised his eyebrows. Nasty son of a bitch.

Before he could react, Dick raised his killer dildo thingy in the air and ran at Dean. At the last second, he dropped the knife, slammed Dean against the wall, and started choking him. He lifted Dean so high his feet weren't even on the ground. It was quite a feat; Dean might not have been as big as Sam, but he was still fairly tall.

This had happened to Dean way too many times. Things trying to choke him to death were almost boring now.

"AGGGHHH!" came a battle cry from- SAMMY?!

Sam ripped the demon off Dean with barely any effort and fished Dean's blade out of his pocket. He threw the knife into the demon's chest and with a crackle of energy, Dick collapsed and died.

"Well… thanks, Sammy, but…"

"But what?" Sam breathed in and out heavily, flaring his nostrils.

"How'd you know I was about to get killed?" Dean had to ask.

"Hunter's intuition," Sam shrugged, "well, OK, no, actually I was sitting in this chair the whole time." Dean glared at him.

"So… you could've joined in… at any time?" Sam nodded.

"And, your point is, Dean? It's so much more dramatic this way!" Dean made a fist but the entirety of True Directions burst back into the room. Dean lowered his hand slowly.

"Sit down," Zach told them. They did. Zach took a deep breath and stepped gingerly over the trail of black demon blood oozing over the floor to get to his seat. "So, who's next?"

The Jewish guy, Jacob, raised his hand hesitantly. Zach nodded to him.

"I just wanted to say… I knew Dick, before he became a demon. He was a good guy. I miss Dick, OK? Dick was in me. Right in here," Jacob pointed to his heart, then his throat, "he wasn't always a demon, guys. He… he was my friend. Dick is dead, guys. Dick's never coming back. I suggest we throw a funeral for him."

Everyone nodded solemnly in agreement.

"We will, Jacob. But for now, your root." Jacob sighed.

"Uh, yeah, me and Dick used to be more than friends…" Jacob coughed a little. "…so, you?" Jacob quickly pointed to Castiel.

"Probably having the sex," Castiel said solemnly, "the gay sex." Dean snickered under his breath. Zach nodded, smiling, and then abruptly made himself frown.

"Sam, your root?"

"I don't know," Sam shrugged.

"I'm sure it's all the gay humana," Castiel reassured Sam. Sam nodded slowly, shooting Castiel a weird look.

"Sure…"

"You, Andrew?" Zach moved on.

"It could've been my dad never playing baseball with me. Or the gay orgies. Or my girlish compassion for all living creatures. For real, we have to stop this bug genocide," Andrew answered. He had a weird-shaped head. So weird it was the only thing Dean could think about when he looked at him.

"Probably the compassion one," Zach said knowingly.

**Step 2: Rediscovering your gender identity. **

"Oh, I know all about cars," Dean smiled to himself. He could actually be able to pass the tests here. If only he still had the Impala…

"Well, OK. You're all going to watch as every one of you attempts to fix this car in a slow motion montage, OK?" Zachariah instructed, stepping back. "I'll watch too, I suppose. Castiel, you first." Castiel sighed and slid under the car. He only vaguely knew what a car even was.

"Hand me a wrench?" he guessed in his raspy voice. No one stepped forward so Dean sighed and grabbed the wrench.

"Here," he put it in Castiel's surprisingly warm, silky palm. Dean shook his head to clear it.

Suddenly, the song "True Colors" played out of nowhere. The sound didn't seem to be coming from a specific place- it was just all-encompassing.

"Uh…" Dean started to say something, but stopped when he noticed something weird- everything was moving in slow motion. "Any…. Body… else… seeing…. This?" he said painfully slow. A new type of demon, maybe? But what was the point to this?

When he looked back to the car, all the other boys were frolicking in the meadow with a double rainbow above their heads while Castiel continued "fixing" the car.

"What… the…"

Unicorns started flying about. When Dean blinked, Castiel was riding on a glittery purple unicorn and Jacob was casually pole dancing with nothing on but a yarmulke artfully placed on where one would see his dick. Where the pole had come from, Dean would never know. The unicorns? Eh, he'd seen weirder.

And- holy crap, those ballet shoes were calling to him. Dean approached them as fast as he could in slow motion. It felt like he was trying to walk through the portal in Purgatory. Eventually, he grabbed them and tugged them on.

This was the strangest day ever, Dean thought, and he lived weird. He went with it and danced above the rainbow next to a unicorn. Show tunes started playing with True Colors. Dean was just starting to get into it when it all stopped.

Zachariah came into view and clapped excitedly.

"Brilliant!" he enthused. The car fell apart behind him. "And now it's time to go inside and get assigned partners!" Partners?! Dean hoped he got Sammy, at least they could maybe try to figure out why the hell demons were around here.

Once they were all inside, Zach started issuing the pairings.

"Sam and Deeeeeee….deeeaaaaaa….. Andrew," Zach said. Sam glanced at Andrew with a sullen expression on his face, but that was his expression all the time, so it didn't really mean anything. "And Castiel and Dean. The rest of you, get with whoever, I don't really care, you're not important."

Dean glanced at Castiel and shrugged. Castiel seemed nice, but he definitely overshared.

"Let's use the cards," Dean suggested. Castiel complied and followed him to a table outside.

"What do you see?" Dean said, his tone utterly bored. Cas (god, that was so much easier to say than Castiel) inspected the card with a concentration so focused Cas probably could've cut the card in half with his stare.

"A man chopping wood," he finally decided. "Good for him, I suppose. I assume he's making a fire, the very essence of humanity. You were just so amazed when the-"

"Okaaaaay… great, Cas," Dean shot him a weird look. He took out the next card. It had a cutout picture of a pizza man in a compromising position. Huh, someone must have put that there last year. Dean laughed a little and waited for Cas's reaction.

However, there was no reaction. Cas studied it just as intently as he had the last one.

"Why is he in that position?" Cas asked. Dean smiled awkwardly.

"You'll figure it out in sex ed," Dean said sarcastically. He was about to walk away, but Cas grabbed his arm.

"We're supposed to practice football," Cas stated, frowning. Dean shrugged. Everything here was so abrupt. One minute, everyone was here, the next- oh shit, they were the only ones left. Everyone had gone to the woods to play football.

Music came out of nowhere, and without warning they were in a montage. Cas and Dean were skeptical, then laughing as they did various macho activities together. Days passed in montage time, so in reality it was only a few minutes.

Just as suddenly, the music wound down and stopped. Dean and Cas had just been staring meaningfully into each other's eyes.

"Stop looking into each other's eyes!" Zach demanded. "Look at each other's dicks instead. Remember, it's only gay if you make eye contact, as the wise man Albert Einstein once said."

Reluctantly, they broke eye contact and Dean went back to actually fixing the car. When he looked up, Cas had disappeared, seemingly out of thin air. What the hell?! Dean slid out from under the car and glanced around, but nothing. Cas was just straight up gone. Wait, no, he revised, gay up gone.

Dean resolved to solve the mystery and do some sleuthing. Or just ask Sammy to research everything for him.

* * *

He heard that stupid slicing noise again when he was almost about to fall asleep.

"Can you stop amputating your leg?" Dean deadpanned, looking over at the source of the noise. Jacob just glared back and continued.

"I have to do it, go try it yourself. Oh, and in the back room, they're selling drugs. Go check it out. It's totally safe, Dean. So safe. It's saaaaaaafe. If Jew want drugs, kippyah head on, kid. And go to the back room where's it's most definitely saaaaafe to get your drugs."

Dean furrowed his brow and pointed at Jacob, incredulous.

"So now you want me to do drugs, and you make horrible puns? What gives?"

"I always made awful puns, you just dean-ied it. Anyway, yes, I have a secret drug addiction. Not that it's a secret now, goddammit. The point is, I can get a secret supply and I decided to tell you because… despite calling me a gay-face, you're the only one who seems to care." Jacob shrugged and set down the butter knife.

"Thanks, I guess, but you repay me by trying to get me addicted to drugs?!"

"Why not?" Jacob shrugged again.

"Works for me," Dean hopped out of bed, still fully dressed in his usual clothes.

"Do you just fall asleep like that?!" Jacob's voice faded away as Dean got closer to the sweet, sweet drugs.

But instead, all he heard were weird sounds coming from under Zach's desk. He crept closer, investigating the noises to find Sam making out with… a girl?!

"THAT'S A GUY, ISN'T IT?!" Zach somehow appeared. He grabbed the girl by her dark hair and shook her. "Damn this wig is put on well, good for you. ANYWAY, TAKE IT OFF! And this false tiny neck! I know you have an Adam's apple!" Zach started shaking her neck, too. Dean moved to stop him, but before he could, the girl fell to the ground, still and cold.

"I died," she added helpfully before her breathing stopped completely.

"What the hell, Zachariah?!" Sam cried. "She was a girl!"

"Don't be a fool, he's probably not even dead," Zach protested. He nudged her foot, which just lolled around limply. Sam gaped at him.

"Why does every single girl I even so much as kiss die?! GODDAMN IT!" Sam yelled. "I thought we were safe, I didn't even know her name or life story this time!"

Zach looked at the dead girl, then back at Sam. He did this several times, like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He inched away suspiciously.

"Well, Sam, I'm proud of your progress!" Zach backed completely out of the room and sprinted off.

"So… uh… drugs?" Dean said weakly. He scratched the back of his head just for something to do.

"I'm too angsty for your shit right now, Dean!" Sam stormed off, only stopping to dig a grave, stuff the girl in, burn her remains while doing a tribal dance, filling in her grave over her ashes, and constructing a vulgar tombstone out of a slab of granite using Luke Wilson's jaw as a chisel.

"Look, man, I'm sorry this happened, but c'mon, I thought you were supposed to have no emotions, as a goth," Dean tried to reassure Sam. For some weird reason, this didn't seem to work.

"No, it just means everything is horrible!" Sam cried. "I'm leaving, Dean. Don't wait up." Sam ran outside, going around the back into the shady alleyway. Dean stayed put, a little hurt, a little curious. Surprisingly, instead of following Sam, Dean just went back to his bed.

"Jacob!" Sam greeted.

"Code names!" Jacob hissed. The alleyway was shady enough that even in broad daylight, only a flashlight would illuminate the deep depths within. It was also just sketchy enough for this purpose.

"Oh, um, I mean 'Yiddish Dick Destroyer'. Hand me the, uh, demon's blood," Sam whispered suspiciously. He needed some help calming down right now.

"Here you go," a gloved had stretched through the haze of shady smoke and dropped something into Sam's outstretched palm. It looked oddly like meth, but of course it couldn't be that…

"Thanks," Sam moonwalked out of the alleyway so he wouldn't arouse suspicions.

Little did they know Dean was watching them from the window…

Of course, the alleyway was so dark and smoke-covered that Dean couldn't see them, and he wasn't entirely sure why he was looking as there was nothing _to _look at, but for all they knew he could've been watching them THE ENTIRE TIME.


End file.
